Just a Bit of Humor

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Updated July 11, 2001

 

JUST A BIT OF HUMOR

 

Two Pastors and a Priest enjoyed their weekly fishing trips together. This day, the fish were not keeping them busy so one of the Pastors spoke up, "You know, we are always praying for those in our congregations, but we never get prayer for ourselves. Letís confess our biggest problem to each other and pray for one another." The other two thought that was a good idea, so the Priest said, "You know that the Catholics have a glass of wine with their meals, but I have to admit that I have a problem with alcohol." So the other two prayed for him. One of the Pastors spoke up, "I know that I am supposed to see a lost soul or a sister in The Lord when I look at a woman, but most of the time, I see a woman." The other two prayed for him. The other Pastor didnít say anything as the others were waiting for his confession. Finally, they asked him what his biggest problem was. He said, "My biggest problem is that I am a natural born gossip and I can hardly wait to get back to town."

 

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A circuit riding preacher in the old west was retiring and was training his replacement. He told the young man that he could have his mule. His mule knew his rounds so well that the preacher could go to sleep because the mule knew where he was going next. He went on to instruct the young man that when he wanted the mule to go, he must say, " Praise The Lord." And when he wanted to stop, say, "Amen". The young man decided to try the mule out so he said, "Praise The Lord" and the mule started walking. When the man repeated the command, the mule began to trot. Finally, the mule was running as fast as he could go. He looked up and saw that there was a big cliff just ahead. He shouted, "Whoa!" but the mule kept on running. After he yelled several more times, he remembered the instructions, so he yelled, "Amen". The mule slid to a stop at the very edge of cliff and the young man said, "Praise The Lord".

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After a rain, two small boys were playing in the little puddles of water on the sidewalk in front of the Church. The Pastor came out and asked the two youngsters if they would like to go to Heaven. Both the boys spoke right up, "No Sir! Not me." The Pastor said, "Do you mean that you donít want to go to Heaven when you die?" The boys replied, "Well, Yes Sir, but we thought you were making up a load for now."

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A drunk stumbles along by a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the Preacher. The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, Are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunk looks back and says, "Yes, Preacher. I sure am." The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. "Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asked. "No, I didn't!" said the drunk. The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?" "No, I did not Reverend." The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, "My God, have you found Jesus yet?" The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher...................

"Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

 

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Funny how we set our clocks to arise at 4:00am or 5:00am to be at the job by 7:30, yet when Sunday comes we can't get to church by 11:00am to praise the one who gave us the jobs!

 

Funny how we call God our Father and Jesus our brother, but find it hard to introduce them to our family.

 

Funny how small our sins seem, but how big "their" sins are.

 

Funny how we demand justice for others, but expect mercy from God.

 

Funny how much difficulty some have learning the gospel well enough to tell others, but how simple it is to understand and explain the latest gossip about someone else.

 

Funny how we can't think of anything to say when we pray, but don't have any difficulty thinking of things to talk about to a friend.

 

Funny how we are so quick to take directions from a total stranger when we are lost, but are hesitant to take God's direction for our lives.

 

Funny how so many 'church goers' sing "Standing on the Promises" but all they do is sit on the premises.

 

Funny how people want God to answer their prayers, but refuse to listen to His counsel.

 

Funny how we sing about heaven, but live only for today.

 

Funny how people think they are going to Heaven but don't think there is a Hell.

 

Funny how it is okay to blame God for evil and suffering in the world, but it is not necessary to thank Him for what is good and pleasant.

 

Funny how when something goes wrong, we cry, "Lord, why me?" but when something goes right, we think, "Hey, it must be me!"